Flying again… (or not)

Saturday, June 11^th, 11:30 am… I am sitting at SFO in a bar… having a beer and a sandwich… I am supposed to be in the air… to Las Vegas, then on to Tampa…

I got to SFO at 9:50 for a 11:05 flight… I got in line to check my bags at about 9:55… (This is the “Express Baggage Check”) I finally checked reached the counter at 10:53… and finished about 10:55… In theory I was too late to check a bag… as was almost everyone else in line (one girl was crying)… While in line I had called Southwest Airlines customer service desk… the good news was my flight was delayed! Customer service asked if anyone had come down the line to expedite those who’s flights were drawing near…. (they hadn’t, they didn’t.) They suggested I just wait in the line and they would get me to my destination (apparently they will)… They said that there were no reported delays at SFO (evidence suggest there were)… the call was a waste of time… but others in line wanted to know what number to call… I gave them the number… I took photos… A line mate made a joke about posting one on Twitter… instead I posted one to Facebook… Instead of the “you check in on the computer, then we put the luggage tag on” system that they usually use, they were taking your boarding pass and entering the information for you. There were 3, then 4, then 3 agents… They didn’t have the staff to do things manually… yet they were doing it manually… They were rewriting many tickets (in the “Express Baggage Check” line)… taking more time… Once to the counter, my check-in process was mercifully quick… Staff was polite, not particularly concerned, and didn’t seem to share their passenger’s sense of urgency. (Someone walking down the line saying “we are running behind, but everything is under control” would have been nice… but it didn’t happen) Now, free of my bag, I ran for the gate, I bluffed my way through the First Class and Employee security line, and made the gate before the 11:05 flight time… for a flight that is now leaving about 1:20… 2 hours and 15 minutes late.

Luckily, I had a long layover in Las Vegas for the Tampa flight… now a short layover… eventually I will get to Tampa…

Of course, Southwest sent me an email at 9:51 telling me my flight was delayed… Kind of useless if you are supposed to be at the airport an hour or two before the flight…

SFO provides 45 minutes of free internet access… of course, I am trapped here for the next 2 ½ hours… I have eaten… I have burned my 45 minutes of free internet… I have another hour plus to burn… At least I got the email saying my flight was delayed…

I suspect much of my time here may be consumed complaining about Southwest Airlines… they are providing me with ample ammunition… This is a surprise… Southwest is generally a pretty good airline… Not exciting, not always cheapest… but generally pretty good… which makes today all the more surprising… I expect this (insert your favorite word for manure here) from United… (I will pay more not to fly United… I really dislike United) I wouldn’t be surprised on Northwest… There are jokes about how bad US Air is… but not on Southwest, they are usually competent.

I don’t like Southwest’s seating and boarding system… In the last year I have seen to incidents as fellow passengers fought over seats (including one where Grandma got taken off by the police.) On the other hand, I like their bag’s fly free policy… Generally their staff is pretty good, frequently humorous… I happen to like peanuts… They hand out peanuts… I like overnight flights… generally they don’t do red-eyes. I find myself flying Southwest about 1/3 of the time… I always check Southwest before buying a ticket.

It appears that the flight delay, and maybe the check in issues may be a result of weather, and resulting limits on landings and take-offs… If so, it may not be Southwest’s fault… but they didn’t handle it well today…

Now 12:37… still no big jet airplane… for Vegas or other destinations… the folks around me are getting frustrated… some think that Southwest is lying… they are hearing different stories from different employees…

I love to travel… Until next time… bye…

Dad, part 3

Friday, June 10^th… I am home for the second of two days… home to take care of work issues… check mail and the garden, to once again walk the dogs… It has been a long journey to get here…

Back… to Thursday, June 2nd... 30,000' or so over Iowa, maybe Nebraska... At light cloud layer obscures details... Then clears a bit for a moment before thickening again. I am Chicago bound on the way back to Tampa... Back to the hospice in Brooksville where dad lays dying...

Tina, the kids, my brother and his wife Penni are all there waiting by his bedside... Waiting for him to die... I will soon join them again, and like them, sit, and wait...

Last week we were there to take care of him... But now we know the truth... The best care can only bring peace and relief from pain as death nears. In the mean time we wait.

I think that Dad is tired of waiting... But I am miles away and not sure…

Now forward, Sunday... June 5th... Tina has flown home with Brandi the dog... Last report has them on board their flight from Atlanta for SFO... I miss them.

The dying is increasingly complicated by outside issues... Under stress people don't always behave well... Much of the stuff (aka crap, personal issues) is only peripherally related to Dad dying... But folks are stressed and shit comes out. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of someone else's drama... Dad is dying... I don't need the side show.

Dad wants to come home... We are making arraignments... Making plans we need a hospital bed... Oxygen... Bed tables... Stuff

I am not sure if he believes he is dying, getting better, or may live a while... I am pretty sure that those of us around him aren't sure either...

Back again, On June 4^th the plans changed... Dad is coming home... To die... At home.

Sitting, waiting for someone to die is hard... Harder than expected... More complicated than expected... There are expectations... Mine, yours, and all the folks sitting with you, waiting for Dad to die...

Nerves are raw... People act out... Each dealing with their own feelings, trying to avoid other's issues... Other's raw nerves and feelings... Are we acting correctly... Is there a correct way to act... who is in charge... no one... Who is in control... many, or him, or me, or Dad, or, no one...

Things get said.. feelings are hurt... Stupid actions and statements go un challenged out of respect for the dead or soon to be dead... Issues fester... There may be Hell to pay later, after he is gone, ok not... Nerves are raw today... Maybe they will heal... Or not..

Most just hide their feelings and go on, wishing for a different outcome.

Dad seems to be getting better... Of course... he will die... Soon. But he feels better, and looks better, and is more aware and alert... But, he still has Lymphoma... and is still dying... But he feels better... And he, and we find our hopes rising... of course... none of this changes the basic truth... Dad is dying.

Back (again) June 4th... 9:00 or so... Pm... Dark... I am walking the dog... Brandy, the cute little dog who is moving to California to be our dog... It's a hot June Florida night... Up the road, to just beyond where the pavement ends... The song of the crickets over powers all but the sound of country music playing loudly from nearby houses... There is Spanish moss in the oak trees... A black snake crosses the road in the darkness behind... A ghost rather than an animal... Safely across the road... This is Florida... Not Miami Beach or Daytona... This is Florida.

Back, further to June 3rd... It's my birthday... I am back... Back with Dad... He is more lucid... More awake... More aware... he hasn't eaten in three weeks... He is dying, he wants to die... Now... he thinks he has already died... It bothers him that the Dr. told him he was still alive... he talks about having already died...

His grasp of time, of the time line of his illness is particularly fragile... He has been here a week, or 4 weeks... Maybe 3 weeks... He had died... At least he believes he has... He believes the Dr. Stood at the end of bed and told him he was dead... He believes a Dr. later told him he wasn't dead... I believe this came as a shock…

He needs medicine... maybe soon... maybe he has already had it... maybe he is not yet due... Time is an abstract concept or maybe a flexible reality...

Forward to June 4th... It's late... It's dark. I am tired and thinking of bed. Instead, I blog... I continue to try to consume Mom's scotch... But there is a good supply on hand... Possibly more than I am prepared to drink...

Fast forward, now Wednesday, June 8th... I am flying... Flying home... Two days of work two days at home then east bound again. Back to Florida and Dad.. I am getting good at this...

Back to Florida… Dad is rallying.. We spent Monday getting ready... Tuesday he came home... That was only 31 hours ago, but it seems like a week... Dad has changed.. He is awake... He is talking... He wants to talk to friends... He wants to eat... Barbecued chicken, roasted potatoes and tomato salad... He had seconds...

The next morning, (June 9^th?) this morning, He has breakfast... He eats.. He is awake early... He wants to rearrange the room... He reads the paper... he is making plans... For the day, for tomorrow, for next week and for the one following. He feels good... He sounds good... He looks good... Too good... We I think we all start to think about survival... It is not rational... He is sick, very sick, terminally sick... But he is doing so well.

Is there hope?

Back, to Saturday, June 4th when Dan announced Dad wanted to come home... I thought he was delusional... Maybe both were delusional... Dad is dying... Dan is in denial... most of the nurses seemed to agree with me, but he was telling the truth... Dad wanted to come home...

In retrospect Dan was right...

So, Saturday and Sunday were spent planning, clearing out the furniture, the bed, the side tables and such out of Dad's bedroom, rearranging the rest of the furniture... Cleaning... Fussing... Back at the hospice Dad was doing better...

Back, Sunday June 4^th, afternoon, I took Tina and Brandi (the dog) to the airport for their flight home... I return to the house... I miss walking the dog... It was an occasional respite from the waiting and sitting, to go outside... Not to escape, but to do a chore.

Forward, Monday the 5th they bring the hospital bed, the oxygen, the wheelchair and rocker... Tuesday they bring Dad...

We, everyone, believes he is coming home to die... He brought mom home... Just about 3 months ago, and she died... Apparently he has other plans... he is coming home to live, at least for a little while...

Tuesday was a good day.... Wednesday was a good day... We are expecting more good days... And so, once again I am headed home... For a couple days... Then back on Saturday for another week...

Dealing with Death…

We are in Florida… Dad is sick… Dad is dying… This is not an abstract concept… it is the reality that we are dealing with… not always well.

It was unexpected.

We knew something was wrong last Friday… We didn’t know what was wrong, but something was wrong… we worried… we needed to be there… but of course things were complicated… we were in New Orleans…

We were in touch with Dad daily… he entered the hospital on Monday… he said it was nothing… our adopted big brother (Vic) had called to tell us Dad was in the hospital… he is our spy… our tattle tail… Dad knows… Dad accepts that this is needed… All seems OK early in the week… but by Friday, we aren’t sure… Vic isn’t sure…

We are in New Orleans for a convention… Rotary… a party… a good party… we arrive early to have a dinner with friends… to do a service project… to have another dinner with friends… now we are planning something else…

Friday, late, we decide… We have to can the party, bug out and go to Florida… Something isn’t right with Dad. Saturday was spent making arraignments… (Tina making arraignments) new air line flights… (Thank you Delta… you acknowledged our emergency and waived fees… You make it easy on us… It cost us $10.00 to re-write two tickets… thank you Delta… We like Delta… Fly Delta… we do…) We rented a car… to be picked up early on Sunday… We made arraignments to leave our hotel, our pre-paid room early…

Arraignments being made we went to lunch… If you are in New Orleans, and you are in the Warehouse district at lunch time, (we haven’t tried dinner… we expect it would be good too) and you are hungry… you have a puckish… go to Beast… We did the price fix lunch… we were beyond pleased… if it wasn’t so God Damn hot and humid in the New Orleans we might move there and eat at Beast every day… really…

We haunted the “House of Friendship” at the Convention… It opens a day before everything else… we packed… we went in search of dinner… ( this is New Orleans… if you are not planning your next meal you are probably dead….) Our next meal was at an early dinner at the Acme Oyster House… beer, oysters, beer, por’boys… all good…

Back, pack, to bed too early… up too early… cab to rental car… on Canal… then only three turns to take us from New Orleans to Brooksville FL…

We see Dad late Sunday… (this is Florida.. the land of the early bird special… late is 6:00 pm) He is weak, in pain, but in good spirits.. He looks better than we feared, but instead of the independent soul that I spent two weeks with in March, he is now bedridden and weak… but in good spirits… We visit… we head for the house, his house, sprits lifted… we go to bed and sleep… until…

The next morning… we wake and get ready to go visit… he calls… his doctor had visited… it is Cancer… cancer with a big “C”

Our world and sense of time changes…

We rush to the hospital… he is trying to be brave… we are hopeful… but it is not good.

We hold his had… he is scared, preparing do die… two friends have died within a week of a cancer diagnosis…. This hangs heavy on his mind… We call the Dr… which Dr… he has no less than 6… a GP, an Oncologist… an ear, throat, and nose, a cardiologist… an infectious disease specialist … a pain specialist… Over time we realize there are at least tow of each… most don’t talk to each other… it is an issue… a structural issue… our role is to hold his hand and keep the Dr’s on the same page… herding Dr’s is a lot like herding cats… I have done each (I have also herded goats… but that is a different story… which results in Dr stories but that isn’t this story)

Dad is in pain… they give him an oral pain drug... on request they give him an intravenous pain drug… a variation on morphine… this is serious… after each injection he goes to sleep… for hours…

Monday Dad is depressed… but late Monday we talk to his GP… he is optimistic.. Lymphoma is curable… it is “cook book medicine”… we call Vic… we return to the hospital and tell Dad… things are looking like it might not be the end of the world… of course, we were wrong…

Now, its now Saturday night… 2:00 am… I am walking the dog… along a dirt road in rural Florida… Sugar sand… oaks full of Spanish moss… a sky full of stars… not the dark sky with bright stars of the west… but a starry sky none the less… I don’t really want to sleep… I return to the house and blog… and drink… currently I am drinking brandy… I found it in a closet… Dad won’t miss it… he won’t be back… strangely I am not drunk or close to it… or even slightly anesthetized…

Back to Tuesday… the day after Monday… Tina and I got up early Tuesday… before dawn… we had a mission… the Dr’s did their rounds early… by 7:00 or maybe earlier (in our experience, never earlier, but we had to be prepared, we had to be there)

We drove to the hospital… in the dark… via Starbucks… for coffee, for fortification, for a transition from sleep to asking questions and holding Dad’s hand… We march in… the night nurse (from the night before) is still on duty… Eventually Dad stirs… the Dr’s visit… we ask questions… (were they the right questions… did they give us the right answers… we don’t know) We meet with the GP… we meet with the Oncologist… we meet the pain specialist… I take notes… names and telephone numbers… notes about drugs… I draw happy faces and un-happy faces by Dr’s names… mostly happy faces… with the information we have we plan for Chemo… but Dad is pulling back… maybe its time to die… we talk about what Chemo would look like… what outcome could be expected (there are odds… his are about 56% in his favor based on what we know… of course this isn’t a horse race… its Dad…)

Tina and I realize that we have only been here a couple of days but is seems like a week… maybe Einstein’s theory of relativity is in play… Time is not linear… it is affected buy outside forces… and for us… time is slowing down… or speeding up… randomly… based on outside forces… and we don’t have a clue… we have slipped down the rabbit’s hole and are on a strange journey… By Tuesday Tina and I have a plan… Chemo… rehab… chemo… this is survivable (at least in our minds….) Dad is less convinced and more scared… in retrospect… his is a more realistic view…

Tuesday we discuss the treatment… Dad agrees… maybe… maybe not… by 10:00 we withhold water and food waiting for the “port” to be put in… the “port” is a cattier with a injectable pad inserted under the skin…. Surgically (hence no water or food)… and Dad hasn’t been eating for a week… and now no alternate food (Ensure) or water, and he is suffering… When my brother calls he says goodbye, I love you… he tells us too… he is considering his future…

Then late in the afternoon they wave off the surgery… and now need a scan of the abdomen… with a fluid… a thick nasty fluid that Dad has to drink… we get most of two glasses (in reality Styrofoam cups) down… he waits for the scan… eventually, late at night they take him away for the scan and T and I head home…We are tired… It will become a ongoing theme…. Dad is depressed… very depressed… we discuss the “no resuscitate” order with the nurses… we don’t know if he will be alive tomorrow when we get here… before 7:00 in the morning… of course we get a call late with questions… he wants water… is water ok? There is a no resuscitate order on file… do we mean it… (yes) It seems like another week has gone by…

Wednesday, up early (again) We want Chemo… Dad is not sure… they give him his IV pain medicine… He is sleeping when the Dr’s arrive… We explain his concerns… they need to wake him to get consent… He consents after we ask him too… we agree to one round of chemo… if that doesn’t work we are done… He buys in reluctantly… We rejoice.

By noon he has the port… by 2:00 they are starting Chemo… first drugs to make you tolerate chemo… then chemo drugs… then more chemo drugs… He is asleep… not couscous… Did we do the right thing?… we hope so… we tell ourselves so…

Finally, for me… 3:00 am Sunday morning… I am not sleepy but instead tired, still not drunk, no mater how hard I try… time for bed… I guess… I am not sure about anything…

Next morning… the sun is up… I am up early… coffees on… We head to the hospital before light… Dad is still dying… back to the story…

Wednesday morning he got the port… it is quick minor surgery… if you are normal and strong… he has no strength, no reserve… it goes well, but he is drugged, not home… maybe for the best… They give him Benadryl before Chemo… both as a sedative, but also to prevent an allergic reaction… he sleeps… soundly… Dan, Tina and I go to lunch while he is sleeping… we stop at the rehab hospital… we stop at the local hospice office… Dan is having trouble thinking about it… Tina takes him back to the hospital… then comes back for me.

Wednesday afternoon Tina and I meet with the funeral home… the same home that took care of Mom… I sign forms to have him picked up and cremated when the time comes… it is coming fast… and write a check… He wanted us to… he asked us to… but this is strange and real…

Thursday up early again… Dr’s again… Dad gets the second round of chemo… he is heavily drugged and not home… when he occasionally wakes he doesn’t make much sense… Mid day my brother Dan arrives… Dad looks better than he expects, but isn’t very communicative or rational… It is not a good day… Dan spends the night in Dad’s room with him…

Friday, up early again… the Starbucks folks know us by now… we add a Breve for Dan to our order… we arrive… Dad is more awake… the Dr’s come… His oncologist has bad news… genetic tests on the cancer have come in… it is not good… it is Becket’s Lymphoma… the nastiest fastest growing kind… for Dad, it is not survivable… By noon we have met with Hospice again… we change our plans… instead of the rehab hospital we will move to the Hospice center… We are admitting defeat and instead negotiating for a honorable surrender. Life sucks.

Dad asks to see his friend Vic… Vic is the other brother… he needs to talk to Vic about what to do with the pigeons… he needs to talk. He is worried about the dog and cat too… We just adopted a dog and cat… That calms him…

The transport him a little after 3:00… to the hospice… to the place he will die…

The difference is significant… the hospice is quiet and calm… everything the hospital was not… everything at the hospital made noise… from the blood pressure machine to the IV pump to the elevator just across the hall to the fire alarms that they keep testing. One blood pressure machine sounded like a east LA taco truck…

The hospice is quiet, peaceful…

It may have been the hospice… it may have been the recovery from the drugs used during surgery and chemo, but Dad perks up… he is more lucid… He is still sleeping more than the average geriatric house cat… but when he stirs he is more lucid… better able to tell us what he what us to do…

Late, about dark, Tina and I go home… Dan stays in Dad’s room again…

Saturday… not as early… Doctors don’t do early morning rounds at hospice… T and I sleep a bit later… We bring Dan a Breve… Dad is doing better… more awake… eating a bit (a little bit… not much) He is watching TV again… He is much happier.. calmer…

We bring Brandy the dog… she sleeps on Dad’s bed… Things are better… as good as they can be when you are dying…

We go back to the house late… I have to make a decision… I need to go back to work... do I go now, then come back or wait here for the inevitable. Unless something changes drastically, I elect to go… Tina will stay… Tina can work remotely… Penni arrives tomorrow

That evening I can’t sleep… I pack… I am not sleepy… instead I rummage through stuff in the office… through the mail… I find keys, keys to the pigeon loft, to the side gate, to the garage… keys we need… I throw away 1996 National Geographic magazines and Consumer Reports from last year… I find things… my high school diploma… my brother’s high school diploma… my father’s high school diploma… I write letters to the pool guy, the gardener… I pay bills and set others aside to pay… I make lists of phone numbers… I drink the last of Mom’s scotch…

I wake at 7:00… up, shower… I make coffee… Tina awakes and showers… I load the car with my stuff. Dad is doing well… he is interested in Indy… looking forward to something… this is good.

I need to bug out for the airport and my flight back… It will be hard to say goodbye.

Dad is sick

Dad is sick…

Seriously sick…

He wasn’t a couple of months ago when I was here after Mom’s death… He was healthy, vital, planning for a long future…

Dad is never sick.

Now he is sick… He had a friend drive him to the emergency room a week ago or so… he hurt, couldn’t sleep… had trouble chewing food…

He isn’t a complainer… He works through it… but this wasn’t working… he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat… He was in pain…

He was admitted… they acknowledged he was sick… they didn’t know why or how… He is old… 83 years Monday… I don’t know if they thought that his illness was age or…? This might be an issue… Mom died recently… at least one Dr. suggested that he wanted to die… She was wrong… but didn’t really care…

T and I had a trip planned… a trip to New Orleans for the Rotary Convention… We were on the road… Dad had a friend… a close friend, the extra brother… call, and tell us he was in the hospital… this was huge…. Dad does not bother us with his minor issues… Dad was in the hospital…

He didn’t want us to worry… (we worry whether he wants us to or not)

T and I headed to New Orleans… for the Rotary Convention… Dad was on our minds… Always…

We arrived… did dinner at Commander’s Palace… The next day we participated in a Rotary project at the New Orleans Mission… We helped build a library… It was good…

Conversations with Dad suggested all was not as well as hoped… Dad was sicker than expected and getting worse… We began to make plans…

We dined at Mulate’s with our club, along with Tina’s step mother… her surviving mother… family… But, Dad was in the back of our minds…

By Saturday morning we decided… we needed to leave… a plan was hatched… drive to Florida on Sunday… The plan had many parts… re-write the airline tickets… rent a car… go… Sunday morning we left the hotel early and took a cab to the rent a car lot on Canal Street… from there it was left to get on I-10… then a right on to Hwy 19 in Florida 400 miles later… followed by a left onto Cortez Blvd maybe 150 miles later… the Hospital was on the left side… The trip was just under 600 miles across 4 states, with only three turns…

We saw Dad… He was in pain but awake… It was all downhill from there…