Friday, June 10th… I am home for the second of two days… home to take care of work issues… check mail and the garden, to once again walk the dogs… It has been a long journey to get here…
Back… to Thursday, June 2nd... 30,000' or so over Iowa, maybe Nebraska... At light cloud layer obscures details... Then clears a bit for a moment before thickening again. I am Chicago bound on the way back to Tampa... Back to the hospice in Brooksville where dad lays dying...
Tina, the kids, my brother and his wife Penni are all there waiting by his bedside... Waiting for him to die... I will soon join them again, and like them, sit, and wait...
Last week we were there to take care of him... But now we know the truth... The best care can only bring peace and relief from pain as death nears. In the mean time we wait.
I think that Dad is tired of waiting... But I am miles away and not sure…
Now forward, Sunday... June 5th... Tina has flown home with Brandi the dog... Last report has them on board their flight from Atlanta for SFO... I miss them.
The dying is increasingly complicated by outside issues... Under stress people don't always behave well... Much of the stuff (aka crap, personal issues) is only peripherally related to Dad dying... But folks are stressed and shit comes out. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of someone else's drama... Dad is dying... I don't need the side show.
Dad wants to come home... We are making arraignments... Making plans we need a hospital bed... Oxygen... Bed tables... Stuff
I am not sure if he believes he is dying, getting better, or may live a while... I am pretty sure that those of us around him aren't sure either...
Back again, On June 4th the plans changed... Dad is coming home... To die... At home.
Sitting, waiting for someone to die is hard... Harder than expected... More complicated than expected... There are expectations... Mine, yours, and all the folks sitting with you, waiting for Dad to die...
Nerves are raw... People act out... Each dealing with their own feelings, trying to avoid other's issues... Other's raw nerves and feelings... Are we acting correctly... Is there a correct way to act... who is in charge... no one... Who is in control... many, or him, or me, or Dad, or, no one...
Things get said.. feelings are hurt... Stupid actions and statements go un challenged out of respect for the dead or soon to be dead... Issues fester... There may be Hell to pay later, after he is gone, ok not... Nerves are raw today... Maybe they will heal... Or not..
Most just hide their feelings and go on, wishing for a different outcome.
Dad seems to be getting better... Of course... he will die... Soon. But he feels better, and looks better, and is more aware and alert... But, he still has Lymphoma... and is still dying... But he feels better... And he, and we find our hopes rising... of course... none of this changes the basic truth... Dad is dying.
Back (again) June 4th... 9:00 or so... Pm... Dark... I am walking the dog... Brandy, the cute little dog who is moving to California to be our dog... It's a hot June Florida night... Up the road, to just beyond where the pavement ends... The song of the crickets over powers all but the sound of country music playing loudly from nearby houses... There is Spanish moss in the oak trees... A black snake crosses the road in the darkness behind... A ghost rather than an animal... Safely across the road... This is Florida... Not Miami Beach or Daytona... This is Florida.
Back, further to June 3rd... It's my birthday... I am back... Back with Dad... He is more lucid... More awake... More aware... he hasn't eaten in three weeks... He is dying, he wants to die... Now... he thinks he has already died... It bothers him that the Dr. told him he was still alive... he talks about having already died...
His grasp of time, of the time line of his illness is particularly fragile... He has been here a week, or 4 weeks... Maybe 3 weeks... He had died... At least he believes he has... He believes the Dr. Stood at the end of bed and told him he was dead... He believes a Dr. later told him he wasn't dead... I believe this came as a shock…
He needs medicine... maybe soon... maybe he has already had it... maybe he is not yet due... Time is an abstract concept or maybe a flexible reality...
Forward to June 4th... It's late... It's dark. I am tired and thinking of bed. Instead, I blog... I continue to try to consume Mom's scotch... But there is a good supply on hand... Possibly more than I am prepared to drink...
Fast forward, now Wednesday, June 8th... I am flying... Flying home... Two days of work two days at home then east bound again. Back to Florida and Dad.. I am getting good at this...
Back to Florida… Dad is rallying.. We spent Monday getting ready... Tuesday he came home... That was only 31 hours ago, but it seems like a week... Dad has changed.. He is awake... He is talking... He wants to talk to friends... He wants to eat... Barbecued chicken, roasted potatoes and tomato salad... He had seconds...
The next morning, (June 9th?) this morning, He has breakfast... He eats.. He is awake early... He wants to rearrange the room... He reads the paper... he is making plans... For the day, for tomorrow, for next week and for the one following. He feels good... He sounds good... He looks good... Too good... We I think we all start to think about survival... It is not rational... He is sick, very sick, terminally sick... But he is doing so well.
Is there hope?
Back, to Saturday, June 4th when Dan announced Dad wanted to come home... I thought he was delusional... Maybe both were delusional... Dad is dying... Dan is in denial... most of the nurses seemed to agree with me, but he was telling the truth... Dad wanted to come home...
In retrospect Dan was right...
So, Saturday and Sunday were spent planning, clearing out the furniture, the bed, the side tables and such out of Dad's bedroom, rearranging the rest of the furniture... Cleaning... Fussing... Back at the hospice Dad was doing better...
Back, Sunday June 4th, afternoon, I took Tina and Brandi (the dog) to the airport for their flight home... I return to the house... I miss walking the dog... It was an occasional respite from the waiting and sitting, to go outside... Not to escape, but to do a chore.
Forward, Monday the 5th they bring the hospital bed, the oxygen, the wheelchair and rocker... Tuesday they bring Dad...
We, everyone, believes he is coming home to die... He brought mom home... Just about 3 months ago, and she died... Apparently he has other plans... he is coming home to live, at least for a little while...
Tuesday was a good day.... Wednesday was a good day... We are expecting more good days... And so, once again I am headed home... For a couple days... Then back on Saturday for another week...
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